Gobble Them All Up

Since the dawn of time, bed bugs have been a nuisance for people of all ages, but I have determined the solution, which is if you get bed bugs, just gobble them up. Most people will avoid this obvious fix-up, because they are imprisoned by their own disgust. If you are interested in vomiting at the thought of gobbling up bed-bugs, let me remind you that disgust is an illusion which is only sometimes useful, but not in this case.

You have a right to defend your blood from nocturnal thieves. I exhort you not to let them abscond with your blood just because they have taken it from your body to produce eggs with. You do not have a proboscis/stylet with which to re-capture your liquids, but you do have fingers and thumbs you can use to fling bed bugs filled with your belongings down your gullet like so many eminemz.

Since the dawn of time, humans have used their disgust to stay safe from disease-vectors, such as rotten fruit, carcasses of various types, people who are different from you, and cacophonous forms of music. In the trenches, we might feel that the disgust resides in the object arousing the disgust, but in fact the spawning-hole of disgust is far closer at hand than we might like to think. Wicker et al. in their temptingly skimmable paper Both of Us Disgusted in My Insula point out just what in fact is the seat of disgust, a region inside of your brain as you read these very words.

In the Satipatthana Sutta of the Theravada Buddhists, we find a passage discussing the "foulness" of the body. This particular section is commonly used by Buddhists attempting to learn how to avoid sexual desires, by recalling that the body is composed not only of captivating eyes and other more southern ornaments, but also s***, t****, u*****, and other items your average lust-head might not have immense interest in. This however is only half the story, or maybe 75%, when one considers the ratio of the "lustful to the dusgustful." Contemplation of the body's grossness is a way to counterbalance the excessive heights of sexual frenzy so many of us experience, with the ultimate aim of eventually teaching that the body is neither attractive nor repulsive, and that whatever we place in this spectrum is placed there, not by its own features, but by the features of our mind.

Since you see what I'm getting at already I'll be brief: just as all human bodies are ultimately aesthetically neutral, so are the bodies of bed bugs, which is why you can ignore your disgust on the point of gobbling them up to retrieve your blood out of them.

Section Two: What About A Vegan

I have not met a vegan who has a problem with drinking their own blood, nor have I met one who has a problem with retrieving possessions lost by theft, so case closed. Also what's wrong with gobbling up what gobbles you up. Pigs don't gobble you up, they're too busy recognizing themselves in the mirror due to their sense of identity.

I do not personally have bed bugs, nor have I ever, nor will I ever, because, having fully determined to gobble up bed bugs who choose to dwell amongst me, I am releasing pheromones that tell the bed bugs "you should probably stay away from this guy," pheromones whose message extends only to bed bugs, and not to human beings like you, who are nice.

Also Bed Bugs Don't Carry Human Diseases If That's Why Your Brain Has Recommended Disgust