Ajtˇbeh˙zˇ?

Webster's dictionary defines "Door closer" as the modern world's least appreciated luxury. Over a million mathemeticians have concluded that if door closers had not been invented, the progress of human civilization would be occuring two times as slow, which means that we'd be living either in the year 1000 BC or 7,000,000,000 BC, depending on whether reality is one way or another way.

Door closers are such conspicuous mechanisms that everybody thinks they're traps:

Which door do you want me to open? Oh, the one with the improvised explosive device stuck to it? You say I don't have to worry about closing the door? Why's that? Is it because opening it will kill me?

Door closers need a better name: after the danger passes, it's clear what charming items they are, and they need to have a name like "Patterson's mechanism" or something. As it stands the name sounds like a very specialized employee at a high-star hotel that only needs its customers to manipulate its doors in one direction. The problem is drawn especially starkly when you try to describe a door closer as locust legged, which makes everyone think your story is about insect-human hybrids or something? And it's just like, that was done in 1958 with the science fiction film The Fly, and for God's sake was run into the ground in the 1986 (AKA thirty years ago) remake of the movie.

The French word for a door closer is "ferme-porte," but Wikipedia swears that an alternative word for it is "groom," where I'm praying that some sort of charm/outmoded gender role steps gracefully into the equation via this path of reasoning: that maybe a groom holds the door open for a bride, and then closes it? Not that the French don't borrow words from other languages, but 'groom' is an English word and without even looking it up I can bet it's not French because French orthography abhors double-o's, unlike English and Dutch, whose frameworks are made entirely out of such structures.

Look out upon the skyline of the nearest city, pick out a building, and determine the poundage of the door-closers in that building, and you'll start wondering how Brexit will affect the price of door closers and door closer manufacturers in the United Kingdom, and this comes with a price-back guarantee.

Or, ooh, but no: "D°rpumpe"