No Fair

Here's the oldest person even photographed:

You can learn probably all of these items on Wikipedia if you want, but my website is known for its zany spins on contemporary, quaint, recondite, and arcane lore, unlike Wikipedia, which reveals to us how the Rippingtons found their name:

The band name was conceived by Russ Freeman after hearing friends play "and they were ripping", so Freeman thought of Rippingtons for a name.[1]

I forget what I was talking about but now I remember. That's a photograph of Revolutionary War veteran Conrad Heyer, taken in 1852, 103 years after his 1749 birth. I want to mention how some people think Jeanne Calment, the famous smoker of Dunhill cigarettes, who was photographed in 1996 celebrating her 121st birthday, is the oldest person ever photographed, but do keep in mind that in 1996, the late Conrad Heyer celebrated his 247th birthday, meaning he is 126 years older than Jeanne Calment, and will remain so for eternity.

The question is whether Heyer received, on his 100th birthday on the ??? day of ??????, 1849, a congratulatory letter from president Zachary Taylor or possibly James K. Polk, like how in The Stand, by Stephen King, Mother Abigail gets one from Reagan I think?

No, the question is whether Saint John the Silent, who celebrated his 100th birthday in the year 554, received a congratulatory letter from Emperor Justinian I, or whether the emperor was too busy wording his Pragmatic Sanction, which reestablished Roman rule of Italy fifty years after its conquest by the Ostrogoths.

No, the question is who is the guy in this photograph, besides the first known photographed human being:

That's a picture taken by Daguerre on the Boulevard du Temple in Paris, in the year 1838, the same year Poe was busy wording Silence—A Fable. Here is a detail from that photograph, which gets deep in its shoe-shine aspect:

According to the only source I have consulted for this paper, the photograph needed to be exposed for ten minutes for anything to show up. Whatever moved too much wasn't recorded by the photograph, and so there were other people on the busy street, but the shiny-shoed man was the only one standing still for long enough to have been surreptitiously photographed from a distant window. Per modern anonymity laws, Daguerre blurred out the guy's face, either that or the guy kept looking all over the place while he got his shoes shined, which, to him, could easily have been the most significant passion he underwent that day, even though becoming the first photographed human is more interesting than getting your shoes shined, even when they're as shiny as a gigantic black ruby.

I guess technically the shoe-shiner is in the picture too, but he or she is so irradiated with motion that he or she barely appears, and as far as I know, you are reading the very first written record of the person actually doing all the work.

And if you think it's sad that nobody would notice that person, then you can imagine how hopeless the case is of the shoe-shiner thirty feet away, getting so little business that he or she appeared, exposed yet unnoticed, in the first ever photograph of a human being:

"The Customer Is Always Right/Is The Only One Who Even Exists"