Alert

Nobody asks me about my unique and innumerable views on pathology, but because I feel I've found a serious flaw in the entire field, it is my duty to inform human beings about my determinations before it's, as pathogists say, "too late."

Our species has been cooking our food/foods for as long as I can remember. But I search engined "bacteria" for over three minutes without discovering what cooking is supposed to do.

Luckily however at work we all had to go to a training session, which lasted ninety minutes, about the numberless routes over which invisible disease enters our vulnerable bodies. Suppose you are in possession of some sort of food: everyone knows that if you eat a raw food your tracts will inevitably entertain puddles of salmonel. However if you were to cook this food and eat it, you'll feel just fine--everything will be fine.

But why, what happened? Where did the disease go? Often cooked things expel steam and other divers vapors: did the salmonel escape into the air? Due to my famed courage, I felt I should not shirk my duty to test this hypothesis by inhaling the vapor that came off of food. My courage has never punished me, and so it ought not surprise you that I did not contract salmonel or even coccidioides, even as I breathed deep of the vapor. Could it be then that the vapors do not contain any illness-producing miasmas? Or could it be that the miasmas do not produce illnesses in the breathing-areas, but only in the food-storage areas of the body?

The former conclusion was proven true after infinite research. Whence then goes the illess-causer after cooking? Pathologists tell us that cooking food kills the beings in it that might disease us--but they do not explain where the millions of dead carcasses end up.

To think that a cooked dish is sprinkled with dead diseases is not appetizing, certainly. More importantly however, is this: a food with living disease on it cannot possibly be dirtier than a food with dead disease. Undergo this thought experiment: you, on your lunch break, have the option to eat two different foods. One food sits on a pedestal among millions of living, multiplying people. The other food sits on a pedestal among millions of dead, burned up people. Which food shall you choose?

Microwaves are a popular modern method of cooking, but considering the fact that almost all microwave-only food items are manufactured in sterile environments, it is time for us to wonder what exactly the cooking does there, too.

If you want to argue that dead people and dead bacteria are not equally dangerous to human health, but intentionally avoid talking about all the sub-infections that enter the bodies of the dead bacteria all over our food, then you might as well produce a book on tape of 577,608-word tennis novel Infinite Jest.

I pretty consistently recite 1,000 words in five minutes and thirty seconds. Extreme variation is rare. I'm pretty sure it's the same with all other humans, including Prince George of Cambridge, the voice talent for the AD 2046 special fiftieth anniversary edition book-on-tape of Infinite Jest. A little bird told me that each cassette will run 120 minutes. Let's begin calculating. The novel has 577.608 groups of 1,000 words. At 5.5 minutes per thousand words, Prince George of Cambridge will take a total of 3,176.844 minutes, or 52.94 hours to recite every verse of Infinite Jest. This will require 26.47 120-minute cassettes, which amounts to 2.89 miles of tape:

Happy Thanksgiving