Bring Me My Traffic

So my New Years resolution is to get more traffic, because it appears that you're not reading these words. One of my main strategies is to fill the titles of each page with terms that people search furiously for twenty-four-seven, such as "Facebook" and "pornography." But recently I also contacted a few choice websites, the "cream of the crop," who I thought might make it happen, and suggested that we form an old-time webring. The first one I contacted was the webmaster of www.drunk-guy.com. This was the extent of our exchange:

RugtimXII@Comcast.net
To: jessedictor@gmail.com
Subject: Fame
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2010 3:24 AM

Hello Mr. Dictor,

My name is Peter, webmaster of www.dailydoofus.com, and longtime agree-er with the cut of your comics' jib. I just thought of a way we can make each other even more famous than we are now! If I put a link to your website, www.drunk-guy.com, and you put a link to my website, www.dailydoofus.com, we'll get double the "hits!" And what's better than "hits?"

What do you say? How about an old fashioned web-ring?

Peter S.


Jesse Dictor <jessedictor@gmail.com>
To: RugTimXII@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Fame
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2010 8:39 AM

I appreciate the offer, and I like the style of your site, but I have to decline. Your site doesn't really match my message, and I don't have a good place to put you. I also have mostly stopped updating, which mean my traffic fell.

If you can get thilo savage to promote your site then I will. thilosavage@gmail.com also known as the second best page in the universe guy.

Jesse Dictor - SEO Technician and Internet Marketeer

So whatever who cares not me, but he did give me a nice tip, and I'm not the type to pass on nice tip$$$$. This guy Thilo has a site called, arbitrarily enough, "ninjapirate.com." Here's what I $aid:

RugTimXII@comcast.net
To: thilosavage@gmail.com
Subject: Fame
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2010 1:28 PM

Hello Mr. Savage,
My name is Peter, webmaster of www.dailydoofus.com, and longtime agree-er with the cut of your website's jib. I just thought of a way we can make each other even more famous than we are now! If I put a link to your website, www.ninjapirate.com, and you put a link to my website, www.dailydoofus.com, we'll get double the "hits!" And what's better than "hits?"

What do you say? How about an old fashioned web-ring?

Peter S.

"Thilo Savage"<thilosavage@gmail.com>
To: RugTimXII@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Fame
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2010 5:06 PM

I would..... but your site gets virtually zero traffic. Kind of a lopsided ring. Am I wrong?


I guess he didn't really fall for it.

RugTimXII@comcast.net
To: thilosavage@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Fame
Date: Sat, 20 Aug 2010 6:13 PM

Okay, you got me there, my site is sort of "in-between traffic" right now, and I admit there's a lot more in it for me than for you with such a web-ring. But what better way is there for my Daily Doofus to get more traffic than with a link on what Alexa.com has determined to be the United States' 88,620th most trafficked website? And what do you have to lose?

I would also like to point out that I swear to God I never sent you any hate-mail and also it was all totally just an April Fools prank and I take it all back.

Peter S.

"Thilo Savage"<thilosavage@gmail.com>
To: RugTimXII@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Fame
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2010 9:17 PM

Well.. You must understand - I can't just link everyone who asks me. But tell you what - you keep writing, get some traffic, and then I'll reconsider.

So there you have it: I need to get more traffic in order to get EVEN MORE traffic. It's a slippery slope, and all I have to do is keep tap-dancing on blobs of butter before I plummet to stardom.

You might have noticed I linked to these people's sites anyway, even though we came to no agreement. I'm just trying to get good caramel. Who among you can pass up so sweet a delight?

Speaking of caramel, here are more website who ought to link to me:

Peacity.com: Official website of Landsfill County, featuring tourist information concerning Pea City, Tongue Meat, and Tar Hole.

Koert.com: If you click on the bomb you talk to an afterlife version of Eliza.

Thesurrealist.co.uk: "Christmas Scientists Trapped On Tube"

People of Arkham: "Milo Waffle's Head has been on display in the lobby of the Arkham Chamber of Commerce for 68 years. No one quite knows why."

I am also holding a contest: whoever can devise a strategy for getting the Daily Doofus the most traffic gets some sort of intangible prize. So now's your chance, readers, send me e-mails by the cartful with your ideas about how to get me traffic!

Oh, wait.