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<TITLE>Free Charles Bukowski Stories</TITLE>
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<h1><center>Weird Stories, by Charles Bukowski</center></h1>








<center><h1>?</h1><h2></center>
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<center><h2>The Runaway<br>
<center><h2>And other weird stories<br></center>
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<p><center><h2>The Ransom of Red Eye</center></center>

<p><h2>"There was the one time when Bill and me kidnapped the child named Oæro." Said the tired old man. "How could I forget that one?" He said as he threw more wood into the crackling fire. "What kind of name is that?" An inquiring grandchild asked. "I’ll tell you the story. Don’t interrupt." 
<p>"It was 1933 and Bill and me were about as poor as you can get without being dead. The problem was, we were jealous of all the people around us, who were about as rich as you can get without being filthy."
<p>It was weird, that despite the Depression, all but us were rich. I guess it was bad luck. We decided to kidnap someone. We rolled down a window as we saw our target, a little boy no older than ten, playing with his dog. I turned to Bill, "Here we go!" I said. When I turned around to look at our target, the dog was whimpering and running to the house, and the boy was nowhere. Then he was in our car. I asked how he got in. "Through the door." He answered. We drove off and called his parents. A man answered the phone. "Hello" he said. "I have your son!" I said. He hung up.
<p>The boy was now red eyed and ran around the hideout screaming, and making a ruckus. We held him down. "BEWARE ME, FOR I AM JUBIBLEX, ALSO KNOWN AS OÆRO! UNHAND ME, MANFOOL!" He was foaming at the mouth. "Die!" He said, and we flew across the room. The police came. They shot the hideout and came in, and randomly selected Bill to be shot. They shotgunned Bill and he fell out the window, which was overlooking a hill which below was a forest. I quickly ran out the back door as they were doing this and watched from a safe distance.
<p>The boy flew out the window, as he seemed to have grown wings. That’s when I knew something was wrong and I ran into the night and met your grandmother."
<p>"Grandpa, did you make that up?" "Yes." 

<p><center>The Ship</center>

<p>Some Turks wanted to explore what was across the sea. So they got in their ship and sailed from their small town by the coast. They sailed for about 740 years. 37 generations were born on that boat and only the first and last ever knew about land. This was an extremely enormous ocean. The pacific is only a fraction the size of this ocean. 
<p>After too long at sea they seemed to make up their own language, like every language, it changed over time. They never actually found a new continent. In fact, they only went 1/5 of the way across the ocean. They found an island. They didn’t know what to make of it. Of course, they got off, but very warily. What was this thing? After getting off, it took them a while to be able to walk on land, after living their entire lives on a ship. The island was a pine forest. It looked uninhabited.
<p>They looked around the island that was pretty enormous, about the size of Sri Lanka. As they got to the center, one Turk, whose name was lost in time, heard drums. They got louder as he moved towards the center of the Island. His head exploded at 14 miles from the center. The rest were drawn to the center. 
<p>When they finally got there, there was an idol. Then a few people came out of the woods. These people were weird light skinned people. The light skinned people slowly went up to the Turks. They killed them easily, as the Turks had no weapons. They then ate their flesh.
<p>They put their bones into neat piles. One light skinned person walked back to her house, but slipped on something. It was some kind of wood with these symbols on it:   r ey   vil si h ed! The rest was dirty and could not be made out. It had to be cleaned thoroughly. 
<p>But now they had to worship their god. He flew out the woods and ate a light skinned person. The rest bowed down to him. They gave him an offering of bones and the wood thing. After all, they didn’t need it.
<p>Over the years the light skinned people found more stuff. The one with the most stuff on it said:  a d  is gra ua l  dec ea ing,  lo al w rm ng susp c ed ca s . What this meant was a complete mystery to the light skinned people. But they didn’t care. They just gave it all to their winged god. The last one went like this: The N w  erse  P  e Bar  ns a   ge  i g sm  le , w  l be to al   c v  ed  p wi   wat r f p ll ti    o s ’   sto ! Some of them the god gave back. The three I told you about are the only ones he gave back. 
<p>He gave them back in mint condition. They said, when not dirty:
<br>Jersey Devil sighted!
<br>Land is gradually decreasing, global warming suspected cause.
<br>The New Jersey Pine Barrens are getting smaller, will be totally covered up with water if pollution doesn’t stop!

<p><center>Animals</center>

<p>"The humans lived in the slaughterhouses. Sure, some of them were in farms and stuff, but for the most part they were in slaughterhouses. The Gėđotfi loved human flesh, which was actually called long pig (in English. In Gėđotfian I’m not sure...) and humans weren’t called "humans." They were actually called Aůǽnn Ħǿue (Aoūeuan-HHYŬ’E) 
<p>They knew the Aůǽnn Ħǿue could understand simple sounds like antidisestablishmentarianism, but they weren’t exactly "smart" (they sure thought they were.) Sure they ruled the world for a couple of millennia, but now it was the Gėđotfi’s turn. The Gėđotfi evolved from chickens about 10 million years ago, and from what we’ve figured out, Aůǽnn Ħǿue ate chickens! If you want to understand how dumb Aůǽnn Ħǿue were, their "eye-kew" as they call it, and was learned how to be used easily by the Gėđotfi, is usually much less than 200! And let’s see, a severely retarded Gėđotfi has an eye-kew of at least 5,000,000. That, my friends, is one stupid animal."
<p>-Tāl-ŋăng, scribe for a Gėđotfi Earl
<p>A disturbing essay on humans. This is what happened. The humans lived and died until about 4 million AD. Then, after living peacefully with an entity whose behaviors they didn’t quite understand they were used as food and entertainment and medical tests by these things. They weren’t quite sure what they were doing to them; they just knew it hurt. 
<p>The Gėđotfi learned English and every other language the Aůǽnn Ħǿue spoke. #344319 and #506694 were friends and battery cage mates with 8 other Aůǽnn Ħǿue. The intercom spoke: "would number… everyone gasped. 3… some people remained tense, the others, with first digits of other than 3 relaxed. 44319 please go to room 59 immediately. 
p>"That’s you." #506694 said. "Oh man…" #344319 stammered. "No one comes back from whatever those things on the other end do to them." He walked across the boards of wood at the edge of the battery cages. As he finally got there, they asked him to step inside a room. Some kind of fume was released and he wasn’t able to move. "hmmm…" a Gėđotfi said. "Last time it just killed them, but now he is paralyzed… We should use this as a criminal deterring device, and, of course, improve on it to reach our original goal.

<p><center>The Runaway

<p>I. </center>
<p>There was a boy named Bram. He was a deeply troubled child. How should I start? He was getting bad grades.
<p>"Bram!" His science teacher, Mrs. Enogirt yelled. He was late for class yet again. The rockets they were building were done. Bram’s teams exploded. The announcements came on. "First and foremost, would Kyle Smith, Susie Johnson Sean Scáthach, and Bram Stoker" "DAMN!" "Please come to the guidance office immediately. They walked down the hallowed halls of his school. Mr. Ittenommis was the guidance officer. This is how their conversation went: "You guys are really scaring me. I feel like you’re going to kill yourself. You’re always so negative and different. You have opinions. You should be the same, with mindless conformity." "What the hell are you talking about? We have a serious lust for life, why would we end it?" Bram asked. The question was followed by muffled chuckles. "Don’t you see?  You will all go down the road of drugs, cults, running away with the cult, and finally, extreme self discovery!" "Why is that bad?" Asked Matt. "Cause it is! Now leave my sight manfools! Goths! You’re making me sick."
<p>When Bram was walking home that day a friend was like "check this out!" He showed Bram some wacky tobacci and ‘shrooms. "Smoke it." Bram tried to smoke the mushroom. "No! The weed!" So he smoked the weed and ate the mushroom. "Whoa! He flew around on a plastic bench. The kill-stabs were dancing in his ear. After all that he said: "That’s good stuff." Then he got addicted. He skipped school. 
<p>His grades got lower. His parents were very worried. Where did he go when he was supposed to be in school? In the back of the school, with his 2 of his friend Kyle Smith and Dan Newman. The latter was the one who introduced Bram to drugs. One day Dan found some strong stuff. It was opium. A whole Narcotic just for them. Imagine their excitement.
<p>"Opium?" Kyle confusedly asked Dan. "I thought that was gone forever, with the 19th century!" "No, It is just in different forms. Like heroine. Mostly heroine. But I was lucky enough to come across this!" They smoked it, and were happy. Well, until the drug effects wore off. Then they were depressed. They walked home. Bram was living with Dan. Neither of the boys’ parents seemed to care or notice for that matter.

<p><center>II.</center>
<p>Then, 12 days after all this, another psychotic friend of his told him about Greg. Greg knew all. Go into the bathrooms during lunch. Greg will be there. Bram decided to go into the bathrooms during lunch. Greg was there. Other people were too. "Bow to your master, manfool!" Bram bowed. "I haven’t seen you in my group. You aren’t in the Order of the Lamp are you?" "No." "Well, then you are initiated. Now do your life under these guidelines." He handed Bram a piece of paper. It had stuff on it. 
<p>Bram was only going to school to be in the cult. He lived with The Order of the Lamp later. There was much Rejoicing. He was a courier for the cult. "Take this to the High Priest of the Janitors. They will give you exactly $58.66. Give me 50.00. Do not look in the bag." Said Greg one day. Bram Cut through the auditorium. Well, the little side halls in the auditorium. A lone violinist was playing on the stage. Bram went into the elevator. He pressed down. He went down one level to the ground floor. He pressed down again. He went down. Very far down. All the way down to the hidden realm of the janitors. He talked to a guard. "I need to see The High Priest." "No one sees him between 3 and 6 PM." Said the guard. "But it’s only 1:32." "Go right ahead sir." The High Priest was sitting. "Hello Bram." He said telepathically. "You will get a nice profit of $8.66 if you give me the bag. Give it here Bram." Bram gave it to the high priest. "Good. Here is your money." $58.66 appeared into Bram’s hand. Bram walked back to the Bathroom he came from. He went to the urinals. He flushed the first one. He flushed the last one. He went to the sinks. He turned on the left faucet for 3 seconds. The bricks behind the sink went into the wall and then the sink did. The bricks kept going until there was a hole big enough for a human to go through. He went in. The bricks closed behind him. There were stones in a circle with engravings on them. He touched 5 of them in a certain order and across the wall flowed water. A circle on the wall adjacent from the entrance was where all the water went. Bram Ran through the water on the wall and came to Greg’s Court. He gave Greg his money. And Bram took his.
<p>After many days of this, Greg had an announcement to make. An announcement that would change Bram’s life for an extended period of time.

<p><center>III.</center>
<p>"We will be traveling to New Orleans to meet Anne Rice." "Who’s that?" Everyone asked, "She’s that lady. "Oh right!"
<p>One by one everyone in the cult walked out of the bathroom. One teacher, named Mrs. Sniknah who was watching was severely confused. "What are you all doing?" "Going to New Orleans." "Can I come?" "Sure!" 
<p>They got in a couple cars, enough to hold 39 people. And drove south, as they were in Pennsylvania. They decided to walk when they got to Delaware and ran out of gas, and couldn’t get more, as they were a little weird driving cars when it was time for school and the oldest one there was 14 years old. Except Mrs. Sniknah. But she doesn’t count because she wasn’t in the cult.
<p>It was night. There were small cliffs on each side of the road. There were Pine trees above them. A small bridge with those I-beams under it was above the road. In the tunnel below the bridge was lots of graffiti. No one quite knows where this is. Some cops came by. "What are you 38 children and 1 adult doing in the middle of the street at 12:23 AM? Well?" "I was-" Said Mrs. Sniknah but she was cut off by a bullet in the stomach. Then in a rain of gunfire, the cult was scattered. 4 dead, 9 wounded, 23 arrested including the wounded ones, 11 ran into the night, and were never found again, because we don’t know who these people are. And now you are asking, <i>"Let’s see, 4 plus 9, no wait, 4 plus 23, right, because the wounded ones were captured too, plus 11 equals 38. Wait a minute! Weren’t there 39 people here?"</i>  To answer your question, yes. Bram was the missing person. He was faking dead. Now the cops are gone and they think, and still think, they killed 5 people then!
<p>The cops were gone, Bram was lost, and it was night. So Bram somehow got up to the I-beams and on the bottom platform type part, he slept. 
<p>When he awoke he had to hitchhike. He stuck his thumb out for an hour. Then he got tired and sat down. A Rolls Royce drove past and Bram stuck his thumb out. The Royce didn’t see him. Then a few more cars came but didn’t pick him up. Finally, a car came by that saw him. He got in. The driver said, "Where are you heading to?" "New Orleans." "That’s 500 miles from here!" Cried the driver. "Where are you going then?" Asked Bram. "Columbia. South Carolina." "Well take me that far and drop me off." I’ll find a way to get where I’m headed." 
<p>They drove along. Bram told the driver about himself and the driver, whose name was Henry, did the same. "Why are you going to Columbia?" Bram asked. "I have… business I need to attend to. Why are you going to New Orleans?" "Well I was planning to go with an adult, but uh… plans changed and I still need to go." "I asked you why you were going to New Orleans, not why you are alone." Said Henry." "I need to meet Anne Rice." Said Bram, thinking quickly, because, in truth, he had no intention of meeting Anne Rice and no idea why he was still going.
<p>"Hmmm... why do you need to meet her?" More of Henry’s questions. "Because it was supposed to be done before the plans changed but I can’t undo what was already done so I must go!" "What were these "plans?" "Shut up."
<p>They got to Columbia and Henry and Bram Went their separate ways. Bram hitchhiked some more and was almost killed by a murderer/kidnapper but told the man at the gas station they stopped at. The gas station man pulled out a shotgun and blew the head of the murderer/kidnapper off.
<p>There was a train station near the gas station. That’s confusing. The train was going to New Orleans. By this time, Bram was in Baton Rouge. That’s a somewhat long train ride. The train was to leave in 4 seconds. Bram jumped on the train at 1. The ticket man saw him and ran after the train but, well you can’t catch up. 

<p><center>IV.</center>
<p>Bram was now in New Orleans. Now what? He walked around and stuff. He slept in an alley when a little girl about 7 years old spotted him. She asked, "Why are you sitting in the street and hide?" "I have nowhere else to go, and I’m not hiding." "Can’t you go home?" she inquired. "I have no home …anymore." Why don’t you live with us?" "Us?" "Me and my family!" "Alright." 
<p>She brought him up to her place and yelled "Mom, I found a boy on the street; he doesn’t look like he’s happy." Then the mom came in. "Your filthy! Come into the bathroom!" 
<p>She cleaned his face and he was happy. He would stay here forever. "What’s your name?" She asked. "Bram Stoker." "I’ve never seen you around here. How long have you been here?" well a couple of days in Louisiana, and only about an hour in New Orleans." "What!? You don’t live here? Not even this state?" I lived in Pennsylvania until I… um, ran away." "You came 600 miles, you made good progress." Well I don’t think you’ll be going back to Pennsylvania very soon. You should live with us." A few hours later the rest of the family came home. They ate dinner. It was Seafood/sausage Gumbo. Why they picked that particular night to have a stereotypical Louisianan dish beats me. "It’s been weeks since I had a dinner made and served by a human instead of a machine." Said Bram." "Weeks? You must be pretty happy for some of what Mom’s cooking!" said George, A junior at the High School and the oldest of the 3 children. "Why’d you run away?" asked his Mom (It would be his mom when they legally adopt him.) "I was in a cult. It wasn’t a giant cult, just a little one organized at my school. I’m not in it, after, well, you don’t really want to know. My question is what day is it?" "Today is Friday November 15th." His dad said. "And I left in September. I’ve been gone a while."
<p>The next day, Bram slept until 11:15, everyone else did too. His parents adopted him that day and got his biological parents charged with child neglect. Sunday was uneventful, and Monday he was going to go to school.
<p>He was in the same class as Victor, the middle of the 3 children. Well, 4 now. Mr. Rellim was his homeroom teacher. This day was also uneventful; except that Bram accidentally made all the slightly troubled kids he met into Goths. No one made fun of anyone in that school. Why was this happening? What was wrong with everyone? It didn’t matter though. He was happy.
<p>And he stayed happy for a year. He stopped being troubled. He was at peace until something happened that would open the next chapter of this story.

<p><center>V.</center>
<p>Bram came home from School one day to find Henry, the guy who drove him to South Carolina. "What’s happening? He asked Henry. "You have been charged with murder, my friend. And hitchhiking." Some cops came out of the room with guns and stuff, and Bram tried running away. They shot at him, but missed. There was a window and an alley out the window. Where was his new family? I don’t know. Anyway, the police shot the window and Bram made a jump for it. He missed, but landed in a truck full of bags of crawfish meat. The truck drove to the port, and dropped its load, which included Bram. Of course, Bram got out when they were unloading.
<p>Bram was in the cargo place of a ship. They were floating away. They sailed for a week and Bram, as an accidental stowaway, lived off of crawfish and biscuits.
<p>When the barge got to where it was going, which was New York; Bram exited the ship, to the surprise of many of the crew. He didn’t have a ride, so he decided to walk through the Lincoln tunnel. There was a little walkway with doors on it. It was cold; it was very cold, being December, that was unsurprising. Bram was unused to this because he lived in Louisiana for a year. There was a car in the line up. A guy came out of it. He had a gun.
<p>"There he is! There’s the criminal!" the man shouted. He shot at Bram and the bullet didn’t go in, but went past while touching Bram (I think there’s a word for that) he was bleeding. He ran inside a nearby door. It had a rug and a desk with a computer and a globe. There was a bench and a fern next to it. There was a fish tank on top of a bookshelf. There were also 2 thieves. They got a book from the shelf.  As one thief ran to the door, Bram ran in. He closed and barricaded the door. "Who are you?" The black clad thief asked. "Uh… I’m Bram, I just- "Are you a criminal like us?" "I never met someone who described themselves as a criminal!" "Listen, we got to get out of here!" This book is important." "I wouldn’t do that." Bram warned. There are a couple guys with guns. They’re after me. I’m not sure why." "Why don’t you come with us? We have room in our group." "You’re not a cult are you?" "Hell no." They ran for a white, graffiti covered van. Bram’s enemies fired a few times, but as they had worse aim than a storm trooper, they hit air. Bram and the van got out of the tunnel. "What book were you stealing?" Asked Bram "Taoism for dummies." "Taoists are you?" Asked Bram again "Why couldn’t you buy the book?" "To make a long story short, don’t tell it." Said one of the Thieves. Bram looked out the window. There was one of those nice Klein buses. 2 kids a little younger than him who were wearing nice clothes looked out. Bram gave it no second thought.
<p>"What’s all of your names? And what are you?" "I guess you could call us hippies." The female driver said. "My name is Irene. The two thieves names are Tim and Smoke Shell." "Smoke Shell?" Scoffed Bram. "The 15th Ruler of the Mayan city of Copán!" Said Smoke Shell. "Anyway," Irene continued, "This is Tree bud" and pointed to the female on the passenger seat. "And this is Dave." Dave was in the back seat. 
<p>They got to a nice building with a fence and a little walking place that lead to the door. They went in and it had a furnished wood wall and paintings and stuff. "Is this where you live?" inquired Bram. "No, we rent a room downstairs." Answered Tim. Then they went downstairs. It looked kind of like a hospital. It was much different than the other one.

<p><center>VI.</center>

<p>Bram wasn’t quite sure he liked the Taoists, not because they were Taoists, but because they were weirdoes. They kept telling him poetic proverbs once said by Lao Tzu, The Father of Taoism. After living with them for a while, he decided he wasn’t getting anywhere, so he left without anyone knowing. The next day the Taoists all went to China, the birthplace of Tao.
<p>Bram walked around and made his way to time square. There were those Virgin Records and Coca-Cola advertisements that you always see. This was where Bram would look for lodging. He would know where he is exactly on a map he could come across. Until then he would sort out his priorities in a nearby alley. 
<p>When he walked in, there were a few of black clad, white-faced, sharp-fanged folks. "Where’d you come from?" One asked. "I came from a suburb of Philadelphia, originally, but then I ran away." "How come?" A female one questioned. "It wasn’t exactly up to me. Why are you dressed like that, you aren’t Goths. You aren’t depressed or in enough angst." "We’re vampires." A dazed female one said calmly. "I see…" Bram uttered. "We aren’t the vampire of pop culture or any of that crap, we aren’t lifestylers either. We are vampires, who have been bitten by vampires, we have cravings for blood, we aren’t alive, we have a severe allergy to garlic, we have pangs of ache when we enter holy places, ultraviolet light visually burns our skin the moment its touches us! …You still don’t believe us, do you?" "No." Bram declared. "Fine, it doesn’t matter, As long as it’s true. Come with us. We’ll give you lodging and stuff." "Noooo," Bram quavered. I’ve had enough of this! I’m always meeting weirdoes and following them around, it’s getting tiresome and frightening. I’m out of here!"
<p>Then Bram walked away, and became a dishwashing boy for a 5 star hotel restaurant a few days later. He met some non-weirdoes and they stayed there. Years later, when they were all adults, they lived in a tiny, two-room, minimal rent room in the hotel. There, Bram wrote strange and unusual stories and got them published in magazines with stuff like that in them. 2 of his non-weirdo chums played cards, and basically didn’t work; they did smoke though. The other one drank heavily and composed music on the piano and sold that to the orchestras of the city. The two who actually worked never left the building, but sent the other guys to do their bidding. Then they all met women and had kids and died.

<p><h1>The End</h1>
<h4>Finally…</h4>


	

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