Unleash My Program Upon Your Stars!

Surprise, surprise: our personalities are shaped by our Zodiac signs. Arieses are adventurous, Tauri are empathetic and discreet, and Leos are all controlling, for example. The cores that our signs have carved into us are so invariable that, if you merely answer these following nine questions honestly and click the button below, the program, which I call Mystical Garden, can determine with 100% accuracy what your actual, real Zodiac sign is. You know your sign, of course, but are you brave enough to believe just how brightly it beams forth? You can answer that question by answering the following questions:

1. How many periods of sleep befall you in a week?

0-4
5-24
25-44
45+

2. Which of these artificial elements are you most drawn to?

Seaborgium
Copernicium
Livermorium
Ununseptium

3. Your best friend invites you to a party where you don't know anyone. What do you do?

By the time I leave I'm friends with everyone there.
I stay in the corner and feel self conscious.
I don't go.
I drink.
I bring a weapon.

4. Your ideal partner would have what qualities? Check all that apply:

Thrift
Constance
Chastity
Joy
Temperance
Faith
Charity
Patience
Hope
Felicity
Harmony
Penetrating Eyes

5. What is your dream job?

Cannoneer
Feast-cooker
Silicon Valley Maverick
Prisoner
Throne-user
Servant-haver
Flower-picker
Money-receiver

6. Which of these virtues do you try to foster in yourself most?

Wisdom
Humor
Honor
Power
Mayhem
Muscles
Having fun all the time.
Splendor

7. When's your birthday?

8. What kind of novels do you like to read?

Action
Drama
Comedy
Adult
Indie

9. What is your ideal first date?

Leaving fruit at a weird shrine
Inducing hallucinations
Visiting Southern Nebraska's heaviest outdoor concrete sphere
Throwing surprises off of a foot-overpass
Joining a celibate monastic order
Peeking through Venetian shades
Shopping for a good child-conceiving mattress